As the holidays descend upon us all, I’m reminded of an ex who bought me dildos for every single holiday of the year throughout the course of our entire relationship. Somehow, my straight friends think it’s hilarious that this woman had a compulsory need to buy me approximately eleven dildos…to screw HER with. It was cute the first three or five times, until finally the eleventh culminated in a loud argument in which I raised the apparatus above my head like a barbaric war weapon and shouted, “Is this all you think of me?” as it waggled to and fro. I even got one for Christmas (and one for Hanukkah, because she was Jewish, although I am thankful I didn’t receive even more in honor of the entire Festival of Lights.)
As someone who received what feels like an astronomically high number of dildos as presents in her lifetime, I’ve put together a few things to keep in mind if you’re planning to buy your girl a new toy for the holidays:
1) This may seem like a no-brainer, but if you’re surprising your wifey a dildo, don’t do it around a roaring open fire with her parents in the vicinity. This catastrophe was very narrowly avoided in my aforementioned relationship. Trust me, the last thing you want is a situation on your hands where your girlfriend unwraps an ornately decorated box containing a dick in front of the woman who brought her into this world. Save the special stocking stuffer for later, in private.
2) Consider the aesthetic style of it. I get routinely made fun of by my butch friends for this, but whenever we go dildo shopping (I save the purse shopping for my femme friends) I have this OCD thing about my dildo matching with a cute harness (preferably designer and genuine leather) which also, ideally, should match my nail polish. Now, it’s possible nobody else on earth cares about matching dildos as much as I do, but I am not really a fan of dildos that are aquamarine colored, or shaped like dolphins. Of course, this is really all a matter of preference. But you may get bonus points if you pick one in your girl’s favorite color.
3) Less isn’t more, but bigger isn’t necessarily better. No, you don’t have to buy the biggest dick on the shelf to impress your woman. Recall past times you’ve been together, similar toys you may have used, and think about the average size of what she likes. Or, just be upfront…ask and ye shall receive? Seriously, one of the eleven times I was gifted a dildo the size of a 747 and I thought to myself “Jeez, what kind of girl do you think I am, here?”
4) Don’t buy your girlfriend eleven dildos! Consider other sexy treats to surprise her with if the ol’ Dildo in a Box trick is beginning to get a little played out.
5) Be a material girl. When shopping for your new toy, do research to keep in mind any skin allergies or preferences your partner might have. Also, silicone’s always far better than rubber, which can be porous and hard to keep properly sterilized.
Above all, have fun! Play hard, and stay safe. Happy Holidays.