I figured this would be a good time to talk about astrological signs on my blog…because I’m secretly a hippie, and I think they matter. This is what I know about women and astrology, according to signs…and I’ll do it in chronological order, that way the ones who are having their birthdays right now come first!
Leo – Meow! What have we here, the Queen of the Jungle? Leo women have big hair and big egos. Stroke both with care. Sometimes they’re kind of pushy, and sometimes they’re power tops. Let them have their way, if you must…or if you’re an Aries that doesn’t like to be bossed around (like me) then just let them THINK they’ve had their way…for now. Also, let them have the spotlight. Most work in entertainment or theater (hello, Madonna) so let that lion show off a little.
Virgo – Virgos will get very upset if you leave any fingerprints on the coffee table, will notice the tiniest detail out of place, and shun financially irresponsible dates, so either you’re going dutch or they’re not paying. Also, they love to take their vitamins, so don’t be surprised if they pull out one of those “Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday” pillboxes for old people and it has several pills for Vitamin B-12 and Vitamin E in it. They are always going to the doctor and convinced they are going to die. On the bright side, Virgos are incredibly sexy and beautiful…so clean up your damn house if you want to keep one.
Libra – Ah. The scales. Well the good news here is nothing excessively good OR bad will happen with this date— they’re very balanced, rational, and weigh things over carefully. Libras love the fine arts, and are generally at least 20 minutes late for some reason. Impress them with some on-the-fly photography or artwork while you wait.
Scorpio – Oh God help you. I am sorry that you’re dating a Scorpio. Well, we all know what they’re good for, and they are only good for one thing. What else can we say about the one astrological sign that rules the genitals? Scorpios love luxury, and they love the water…take them out to the most expensive restaurant you can find by a lake, or the ocean. They will sting you with their poisonous little stingers if you waste their time by going to a chain restaurant. Most play the guitar or sing. And they are the worst exes to break up with. So when it’s over, expect your tires to be slashed and a lot of bad folk music about it on your voicemail or at the local indie rock venue, where your heartlessness will be immortalized in public for the rest of your lesbian life.
Sagittarius – The centaurs are some of the most adventurous in the zodiac, pairing athletic ability with intellectual curiosity. Most favor philosophy and asking lots of questions. Sagittarius loves adventure and travel more than anything, so take them out to a scenic overlook for a picnic, or something that involves the great outdoors. What to watch for? Fidelity. Sagittarius is appealing because they harbor an optimistic attitude that the grass is always greener…and naturally, that translates into exploring other partners as options.
Capricorn – Capricorns are the Darias of the zodiac, with a dry, deadpan humor that’s generally very smart. But they keep their greatness under wraps because they know they don’t have to broadcast it for accolades. Capricorns are extremely proud of earning the things they want through hard work, and take pride in the industry of their choice. The best way to impress a Capricorn is to work on yourself, be the best at what you’re good at and earn a promotion…Capricorn both adores (and rewards) responsibility and ingenuity.
Aquarius – This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius! Aquarius girls almost always wear glasses…and they love to take in information. Impress an Aquarius with knowledge and a free-spirited approach to life. Aquarius women love freedom and will resist any attempt to make them conform to one path. Much like Sagittarius, the roving is what you need to watch out for, but not necessarily in relationships…Aquarius can change careers several times in their lifetimes. Not because they aren’t responsible, but because they easily get bored and are willing to try anything once. Also, they love handcuffs…so tie one up and maybe she will stay at her current job for longer than six to eight months.
Pisces – Aww! The fishies! Pisces women are extremely sentimental and romantic, and most dabble in either painting or poetry. They love to shake it on the dance floor, so take them out to cut a rug and wear your best accessories, because they will probably be wearing some tasteful jewelry or scarves that make them look really hot. Pisces are the bottoms of the zodiac, so line up all of the plans, because they’ll be the ones to say “I’ll go wherever you go! I’ll have whatever you’re having!” and secretly, they like to be bossed around a little. But treat them with care, because they’re also just as sensitive as they are sweet.
Aries – Ah ha! My favorite sign! Aries is a cardinal fire sign ruled by Mars, the planet of passion and competition. So turn up the heat and challenge an Aries woman to a friendly game, then make a fun bet that all parties will enjoy (ie, if you lose the bowling match, you have to wear a sexy maid outfit and clean my house.) Aries women are the frat boys of the zodiac (even the femmes) and will probably make all kinds of inappropriate comments about your boobs because we love sex, but don’t take it the wrong way— for all of the huff and puff, most Aries women are generally old-fashioned, idealistic, and romantic under the surface. However, most Aries can sometimes be impatient (I know that I hate to wait for anything) and bossy, some have a horrid temper. Aries, once slighted, will react in one of two ways: either an emotional pyrotechnics display of anger, or they will charge off just as quickly as they were shepherded in, turning fire into ice.
Taurus – Taurus women are down to earth and grounded. They love jewelry, so decorate your bull with some new bling. However, they’re very jealous, so don’t ever bring up past lovers with a Taurus, or they’ll gore you with those horns! Taurus women are fabulous cooks, so tell her to get back in the kitchen and make you a sandwich (just kidding…maybe.)
Gemini – Oh Geminis…who doesn’t want to party with the twins? They are easygoing, have a sparkling wit and are natural flirts. The name of the game with this sign is words, because they’re ruled by Mercury, the planet of communication. Geminis write the best love (or lust) letters, and the way to nab one is with random sexting throughout the day, which they LOVE. They’re very intellectual and well-read, so keep up with the latest current events, trends, and good books. Most Geminis are well-connected and work in publishing, marketing, or the media. And the body part they’re associated with are the hands, so in addition to the standard lesbian uses of them, find other ways to kiss, touch, or use their fingers. I’m just saying. What to watch for? Geminis are gossips. Screw one over and since they work in the media, they will probably put it in a newspaper, advertisement, or write a bestselling novel making fun of you sometime in the near future. Either way, expect to be badmouthed. But approach the impending embarrassment with a sense of humor, which they really appreciate, and everybody wins.
Cancer – Cancer girls are sensitive, they love good wine and good food. And they are major talkers! So find a great restaurant (for some reason, they like seafood and vegetarian places) and give them lots and lots and LOTS of time to talk your ear off! Don’t rush them! And if she takes you back to her place…don’t make fun of her New Kids on the Block posters or ceramic California Raisin figurines. Cancers rule the home, so they take lots of pride in having guests over!