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2008 Video Music Awards
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The 2008 VMA Eye Candy Awards
posted by the M word on September 16, 2008

Am I the only queer that still tunes in year after year to watch the MTV Video Music Awards? Not that this particular awards show targets/caters to the GLBTQ community in any way, but as 21st century homo sapiens, can we really turn our faces to such a heavily propaganda-ed event? Can a girl really resist the glitz and glamour of VMAs, especially during a non- L Word season? Unable to myself, I tuned in and focused on the most important aspect of the event: the hot Hollywood chicks showing off their (musical) goods.

The theme for this year’s VMAs was “Nothing is as it seems”. Well I beg to differ- the show was exactly how it seemed- unremarkablely ordinary. Except for a few sets used by Paramore and the Jonas Brothers that masqueraded as locations other than the Paramount, everything else lacked magic. What was definitely not an illusion was all the eye candy the show provided. From the usual stunning starlets to some sizzling surprises, this year’s VMAs were chock full of foxy ladies strutting their stuff.

The ladies indeed looked so smoking that I just had to take note of every knockout that was present, presented, or performed. From the crazy planet known as Hollywood, the 2008 MTV VMA Eye Candy award winners are:

 

  • Britney Spears- Looking more refreshed and lucid than ever, “It’s Britney bitch” finally made a real comeback, opening the show with quirky Jonah Hill and scoring the most awards for the night (Best Female Video, Best Pop Video, and Video of the Year). I’m not really a Britney fan, but seeing her sparkling smile and hot bod covered in a shimmering, silver sequined dress was enough to make me forget that she married K-Fed and says “ya’ll” a lot.

 

  • Rihanna- Opening up the show as a gothic cake-topping leader of a “Cirque de Zombies” dance troupe, Chris Brown’s main squeeze scored with every outfit throughout the night. Whether it was in dominatrix styled dress or biker bitch gear, Rihanna's curves were constantly hugged by all black attire, making her the night’s sexiest (and scariest) siren as she performed “Disturbia” and “Live Your Life” with T.I.

 

  • Katy Perry- With a dazzling, red-lipsticked smile and Wonder Woman-esque satin get-up, this fake-bi brunette bombshell looked – and sounded- awesome. Very good at getting both queer and straight folks in a tizzy, Katy had the audience all ears as she covered Madonna’s “Like A Virgin” and sang her own chart-topping, sorta Sapphic hit “I Kissed a Girl” (even though MTV cut these performances short with commercials). I still don’t believe that she kissed a girl and liked it, but believe that she looked damn good in a white and gold halter and hot pants.

 

  • Demi Moore- In complete MILF mode, Mrs. Kutcher stepped onstage to present the award for “Best Male Video”, showing off her killer gams in a short black skirt. This “Striptease” star had me wishing I was Ashton for a day. Demi certainly affirms the old adage of women like wine being finer with time.

 

  • Taylor Swift- Introducing the beloved Jonas brothers’ set, this blue-eyed blonde country sensation in a pretty pink dress is beautiful jail bait for sure. Taylor has legs for days, and a body that I can’t comprehend how Joe Jonas resists, holy promise ring or not.

 

  • Lindsey Lohan- Looking oh-so-Sapphic in Bette-ish attire, LiLo must have had Sam sweating in her  seat. Slender and elegant in a sleeveless tuxedo shirt and black pants, Lindsey co-presented the awards for the VMA Dance Battle and the “Best Dancing in a Video” with Ciara, begging any dyke to wish we could officially welcome her into the Queer Club.

 

  • Pussy Cat Dolls- Okay, so these girls can’t really sing. But they can really dance, scoring the award for “Best Dancing in a Video” this year.  The famous fivesome looked ravishing in pastel colored dresses and white pantsuit, seemingly representing the United Nations of Barbies. When I grow up, I want a manage a cinq with these dolls.

 

  • Hayley Williams – This wild red-headed, feisty emo chick was bouncing with energy as she performed “Misery Business” in a faux Whiskey a Go Go set with her band Paramore. With a tiny but spirited body and in head-bang inducing tight yellow jeans, Hayley rocked her way into the hearts of Suicide Girls everywhere.

 

  • Pink- This maybe queer crooner gave us the best performance of the night! Looking super-blonde and uber-fierce in an electric blue gabardine and black body suit, Pink was breaking shit and singing her heart out to “So What”. With electric tape covering her nipples and a gluteus maximus to die for, our favorite divorcee had everyone wanting to start a fight- for her heart.

 

  • Christina Aguilera- Proving that having kids does a body good, Xtina looked fantastic and futuristic in a caped superhero bodysuit and banged blonde locks. This former Mouseketeer was begging to be rubbed the right way as she belted out a 2008 dance version of her hit “Genie in a Bottle” and her new hit “Keeps getting Better”. For sure she does!

 

  • Lauren Conrad- So she’s not the smartest cookie in the jar. The girl still looks awesome in an empire-waisted white mini dress, bearing cleavage like nobody’s business. This Hills hottie presented the “Best New Artist Award” to Tokio Hotel, and had some of us wishing she’d leave the Hills for WeHo and go gay, even if it was just for Shane.

 

  • Kim Stolz- our very own queer Top Model contestant, who is now a news correspondent for MTV, looked femme and fabulous in a loose-fitting little black dress and long dark locks. I still prefer Kim when she’s more butched out, but being a cherry chapstick lesbian works for Ms. Stolz too. Katy should have kissed Kim; I’m sure she would have liked the taste.

Other winners of the night included Chris Brown, Lil Wayne, Linkin Park, and Tokio Hotel. The highlight was definitely Jordin Sparks calling Russell Brand a “slut”, standing up for “celibate” teen pop stars everywhere. And although its ratings were higher than the previous two years, this year’s Video Music Awards show was pretty bland, spiced up only by the sexy senoritas I named.  Besides a few key performances by Rihanna, Pink, and Christina Aguilera, there were no show-stopping, breathtaking moments. I guess MTV’s usual shock and awe shtick for the VMAs are a thing of the past. Things really were as they seemed- hip hetero Hollywood stroking its collective ego and reveling in their video musical genius. Hot women, as usual, saved the day.

 

 

  

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