Single in the City: Itís Not You, Itís Me: Dispelling the Dump
by Esther Zinn
August 26, 2011
With Hurricane Irene on the loose and about to impact New York this weekend, I feel it’s important to talk about another tragic natural disaster that leaves pain and suffering in its wake: dumping. Let’s face it, dumping, breaking up with, or rejecting someone is about as painful and embarrassing as an annual trip to the gynecologist. And much like an annual, both parties want to get it over with as soon as possible— nobody actually wants to be there at all. With so many emotions swirling about and the lesbian tendency to process, it can be hard to decipher exactly what somebody “really means.” And so I’ve put together a handy guide to dispelling the dump:

What she says: “It’s not you, it’s me. ”What she means: “It’s you.”

What she says: “Let’s just be friends.”What she means: “The sex was bad.”

What she says: “I think you’re a wonderful, beautiful, amazing person…”What she means: “The sex was really bad.”

What she says: “We want different things.”What she means: “The sex was great but I really don’t want a relationship with you due to a major incompatibility. So can we still keep hooking up?”

What she says: “I need to work on myself right now.”What she means: “I would rather enroll in a Tai Chi or pottery class full of old people to ‘enrich myself’ before I ever go on another date with you again.”

What she says: “I’m sure there’s someone wonderful out there who’s going to appreciate you for all that you are and give you everything you deserve.”What she means: “I really hope this person comes soon so that you’ll stop calling me!”

What she says: “I’m just not over my ex yet.”What she means: “I’m still hopelessly in love with somebody who may or may not be deserving of it, and this person will proceed to come back in my life more times than there are Harry Potter sequels. Let’s go on another date in maybe five years, when I’m REALLY over her.”

What she says: “I have a lot of things going on in my life right now…”What she means: “I’m just not that into you.”

Dumpees, rejoice. Now there are no more reasons to waste whole hours calling your BFF, to share texts or emails with her to get to the bottom of the mystery. And yes, rejection is a tough thing. Whenever one person doesn’t feel the same way, it’s easy to take it as an assessment and devaluation of your own personal worth. But think of love like a game or sport, or even an eternal Wheel of Samsāra— everyone does their fair share of both winning and losing, of experiencing pleasure and pain. The one who has caused you harm has most definitely experienced the same pain at the hands of another.

When it’s over, you have two choices. The first is to accept defeat with grace, civility, and kindness, to act with a clear head, in moderation. There’s always a chance your dumper will change her mind when she realizes what a wonderful person she’s lost and come back (with lesbians, we all know the chance of someone coming back is always extremely high!)

The second choice is to treat a rejection with spitefulness, insults, and an ill-temper. In which case, the chances of your paramour revisiting her decision is zero. Choose wisely and go in peace. No matter what side of the equation you rest upon, it’s pretty clear that all anyone wants is to be loved, and that love is not an easy thing to find.

Now, who’s ready for Hurricane Irene?

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